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Cold Hands...
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
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After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
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The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, 'Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'
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Buying Presents for the Wife
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jamcharrys? (2006-06-17 (土) 22:39:10)
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Hubernators? (2006-06-16 (金) 03:41:48)
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -
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The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
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You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away.
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Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,'that's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
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What's the baby's name?
babysgirls? (2006-05-30 (火) 08:42:58)
A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party alone,Since she was good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do If boys hit on her, so her mom said, it's very easy, whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, "what will be the name of our baby?" That will scare them off, so she went.
After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her,
and little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him,"what will our baby be called?" the boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders........ She stopped him and asked him, "what will be the name of our baby?" he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he
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Welcome to Australia
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Little Billy was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are
Sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Billy just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!
It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!
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Hello
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The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?
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The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, �Give the ballerina a drink!�
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
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The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Fart Football
SickCerts? (2006-05-23 (火) 10:02:47)
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
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The implant
zarcalavar? (2006-05-22 (月) 15:03:26)
A guy goes to a doctor and says "Doc, I need a bigger wiener, can you help me?"
The doc says "As a matter of fact there is a new procedure where
we use part of a baby elephants trunk as an implant. It doesnt hurt the elephant
and it seems to work great." The guy has the operation the next week.
A month later he is on a date with a beautiful young blond.
His first date with his new wiener. They are having dinner at a fancy restaraunt
and making small talk when all of the sudden his wiener comes up from beneath
the table and grabs a roll and disapears beneath the table.
His date looks at him and says "Gosh, can you do that again?".
Embarassed he says "I probably could, but I dont think my ass could handle
another Biscuit
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The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?
The Jewish man says... I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!
Room with a view
mambaramba? (2006-05-21 (日) 09:45:02)
Ok, don't shoot me if I actually read this joke on this forum in the first place...
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?
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What you talking about?
Radiosactive? (2006-05-21 (日) 01:18:16)
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".
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what does your dad do
johny-johny? (2006-05-20 (土) 11:40:55)
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The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, " My dads a lawyer ", but I was too embarrassed to say so."
What is politics?
politicgirls? (2006-05-20 (土) 00:03:36)
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the head of the family, so call me the President.
Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The Nanny, we'll consider the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding her door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concepts of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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New Zealand was for sale??
chinehorse? (2006-05-18 (木) 23:36:31)
SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - New Zealand is not for sale, despite somebody in neighbouring Australia trying to offload the nation of four million to the highest online bidder.
With a starting offer of just one cent, brisk bidding for the prime chunk of South Pacific real estate quickly boosted the price to 3,000 Australian dollars before eBay pulled the plug on the auction this week. "Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler told the New Zealand Press Association, adding that 22 bids had been made before the company acted.
"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," he added. "We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."
The trader has not been named, but apparently was unimpressed with the country he was trying to sell.
The rivalry between the two countries is intense and in his advertisement the man said New Zealand had "very ordinary weather."
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Breasts of an 18 year-old
girls-girls? (2006-05-18 (木) 06:10:10)
A woman was at home, happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
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While on a road trip
girlredgirl? (2006-05-15 (月) 07:29:42)
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
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their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about
20 minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the
restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses,
the old geezer yelled to her.
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Tarzan and Jane
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ground. "Here" she said,
"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his
considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right
in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she
managed to gasp for air and screamed:
"What in the hell did you do that for?"
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