Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
A mother and her son were flying 'Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, 'Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
A chicken and horse are walking across a feild together when the horse falls into a deep hole.
" help help" shouts the horse
" don't worry " says the chicken , and runs of and comes back with the farmers sports car , he ties a rope around the bumper and throws the other end down to the horse , " hold on to this and i will pull you out".
the chicken jumps in the car and drives foward pulling the horse out of the hole .
next day the two of them are walking across another feild when the chicken falls into a deep hole , " bugger" says the chicken , "go and get the farmers sports car again "
the horse looks down and says "don't worry chicken , grab hold of this"
and lowers his penis down the hole , the chicken grabs hold and the horse steps back pulling the chicken out of the hole.
The moral of this story is you don't need a sports car to pull chicks if you have got a big cock.
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just
friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that
way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the
armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.
The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answered, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder
and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin.
I licked it off. It was not mustard!! No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of my routine that the shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said: "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . "Poupon."
Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The Birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
"Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
"Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question: "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus Responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus... Tell the English Nothing..."
This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.
"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.
"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts
around Home Depot when they collide
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting
a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with
red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's
wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -
"Robert, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, 'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us
your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after supper."
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed.
I shall be back home before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will
undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
Hi !
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him
satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
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Hello
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ’penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ’penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
Hello!!
A woman and a baby went to the doctors. The doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and slightly concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed," the woman replied.
"Would you strip down to your waist please," asked the doctor?
The doctor pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm happy I came."
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being
seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK".
The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad."
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,'that's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
Of course I love hockey (even though my beloved Flames sucked in this years playoffs) and most all sports[url=http://tramadol.bwzzq.info/tramadol-generic-ultram.html].[/url] I work in the TV news industry and get out to what pass as mountains here whenever possible.
A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party alone,Since she was good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do If boys hit on her, so her mom said, it's very easy, whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, "what will be the name of our baby?" That will scare them off, so she went.
After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her,
and little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him,"what will our baby be called?" the boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders........ She stopped him and asked him, "what will be the name of our baby?" he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he
started kissing her and she asked him, "what will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "what will our baby be called?"
she asked once more. He began to have s*x with her. "what will our baby be called?" she asked again. After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and said....
"if he gets out of this one.........he will be called ...............chuck norris!!!
Hello
A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?
"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief."
Hi Guys i stumbled across this bored.... I have been reading and what a great group..[url=http://sonyplasma.cmm3w.info/sony-plasma.html].[/url]lol some funny funny stuff..... so anyway here is a pic of me taken on my 28th birthday last week.....
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland[url=http://xanax.cmm3w.info/xanax-online-overnight.html].[/url]
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge and hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
A guy goes to a doctor and says "Doc, I need a bigger wiener, can you help me?"
The doc says "As a matter of fact there is a new procedure where
we use part of a baby elephants trunk as an implant. It doesnt hurt the elephant
and it seems to work great." The guy has the operation the next week.
A month later he is on a date with a beautiful young blond.
His first date with his new wiener. They are having dinner at a fancy restaraunt
and making small talk when all of the sudden his wiener comes up from beneath
the table and grabs a roll and disapears beneath the table.
His date looks at him and says "Gosh, can you do that again?".
Embarassed he says "I probably could, but I dont think my ass could handle
another Biscuit
The Italian man says..[url=http://clomid.fvl2l.info/buy_clomid.html].[/url]Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.
The Frenchman boasts... Last week, when my wife and I had sex. I rubbed her body all over with butter[url=http://darvocet.ewqe-r.info/buy-darvocet.html].[/url] We then made passionate love, and she screamed for fifteen minutes.
The Jewish man says.[url=http://carisoprodol.ewqe-r.info/carisoprodol-online.html].[/url]. Well, last week, my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?
The Jewish man says... I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!
Ok, don't shoot me if I actually read this joke on this forum in the first place...
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".
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The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, " My dads a lawyer ", but I was too embarrassed to say so."
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the head of the family, so call me the President.
Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The Nanny, we'll consider the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding her door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concepts of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
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8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?
SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - New Zealand is not for sale, despite somebody in neighbouring Australia trying to offload the nation of four million to the highest online bidder.
With a starting offer of just one cent, brisk bidding for the prime chunk of South Pacific real estate quickly boosted the price to 3,000 Australian dollars before eBay pulled the plug on the auction this week. "Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler told the New Zealand Press Association, adding that 22 bids had been made before the company acted.
"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," he added. "We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."
The trader has not been named, but apparently was unimpressed with the country he was trying to sell.
The rivalry between the two countries is intense and in his advertisement the man said New Zealand had "very ordinary weather."
A woman was at home, happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
Now i realise my entry to the forum, apparantly as Jimbola's lacky, may ahve tarenishecd my otherwise excellent reputation (seriously, he said look at this forum, and i did, and saw a fellow RAGE being abused.. wtf was i supposed ot do?)
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed
their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about
20 minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the
restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses,
the old geezer yelled to her.
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex."Tarzan
not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in
trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground. "Here" she said,
"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his
considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right
in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she
managed to gasp for air and screamed:
"What in the hell did you do that for?"